Author Archives: B. Blue Marbe

About B. Blue Marbe

Unpublished weird fiction writer. Aspiring shut-in. Collector of sea-themed tattoos and ill-advised life experiences.

PSA: Daniel Graves is on Patreon

On the off chance that I have any followers with similar musical interests (also on the off chance that I have any followers), here’s a link to Daniel Graves’ Patreon page.

Daniel Graves is a musician whose main project is Aesthetic Perfection, which I know I’ve mentioned… pretty much any time I talk about what I’m listening to. He’s amazing, I love his work, he’s super-into squids, and I’m stupidly happy to be his 13th supporter* on Patreon.

If anyone else is into this, and can afford it, you’d be supporting a very talented human being who can do really good work if he has some time and energy to focus on making new music.

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*At the $1/month “Vampire Squid” level. I wish I could pledge more, but I’m a broke, unemployed college student right now.

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Marilyn Manson is the soundtrack to my life

When I was 14 years old, I saw Marilyn Manson’s music video for “The Long Hard Road Out Of Hell,” and I realized I was into girls.

When I was 15 years old, I moped a lot and listened to Mechanical Animals on repeat. (Mechanical Animals is when I really got into Marilyn Manson—with all the gender-bending, and future dystopian trappings, how could I not?) I would take that CD into school on days when I had computer lab, because the teacher let us have headphones as long as we got our assignments done.

When I was 16 years old, I found Holy Wood on a filesharing network before the release date under the album title Dogsled Racer (artist also listed as Dogsled Racer).

When I was 22 years old, I was working an awful call center job, and I met my best friend (online, obviously, I can’t talk to real people). The Golden Age Of Grotesque had come out two years before, and the Manson discography is one of the first things we bonded over, besides writing.

When I was 24 years old, I had moved across the country to live with my boyfriend at the time, and spent weeks/months/(years) chatting online with my best friend and listening to Eat Me, Drink Me on repeat.

When I was 28 years old, I had ended that relationship and moved back across the country to live closer to family, and spent weeks/months/(years) chatting online with my best friend, and listening to The High End Of Low on repeat (at least until Born Villain came out).

When I was 32 years old, I found The Pale Emperor months after it released (because no one told me!), and got brave enough to reach out and start a conversation with my best friend, who I hadn’t spoken to in years, because music is one thing we have enough of an overlap in preference on to make it a safe topic.

I am 34 years old, and I’m listening to Heaven Upside Down on repeat, and trying to learn Python, and deciding whether I’m brave enough to reach out and start a conversation with my best friend someone I haven’t spoken to in years again. (Spoiler: probably not.)

Some things don’t change.

Best Laid Plans: October 2017

201710

October plans:

  • Total 16,500 words
    • Write 750 words/day
    • 5 days/week
  • Project: Death Drive*, fragments, etc

Life:

  • Work: Continue looking for a job. I’ll do seasonal retail again if I have to but I would really prefer not to do that (mostly because I’m terrible at it, not because I’m “too good” for it or some other nonsense: I’m too broke to be too good for a paying job).
  • School: Keep taking classes, stick with my current major until I’m done. Try to learn how to do things on time—I think I might be broken when it comes to time, but that just means I need to find more coping mechanisms to get where I need to be.
  • Playlist: Celldweller/Scandroid, Faderhead, Marilyn Manson (PSA: the new album is out October 6), Razed In Black, God Module.

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*Death Drive is my afterlife book that I’ve wanted to write since 2011, and it’s slowly twisted into a love letter to a friend I don’t talk to anymore. :(

Best Laid Plans: September 2017 (In Retrospect)

Wordcount goal: 10,000
Total words written: 1729
Days writing: 2
Projects: Undertow

Excuses: Learning coding is hard. The class I’m taking that I thought would be an overview of the subject is instead a course on how to program in Python. I’m way behind (like normal). I’m starting to freak out about my lack of money, and trying to find a job to get more money, and struggling to do that because of choices I’ve made*, and I hate it. At least Xmas is coming up, which means I should be able to pick up a temporary seasonal thing, so that’s something at least.

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*The place I worked at for the majority of my working life refuses to give employment references (fairly standard) and penalizes current employees who give employment references, “up to and including termination” (fucking insane). The other place I worked at for any significant amount of time is no longer in business (RIP Borders), plus that was 10 years ago and I didn’t bother to keep in touch with anyone anyway.

HELLO FALL

The leaves are changing, there’s a chill in the air, and it’s time for rain until it snows. This is my favorite time of year. I am Goth Basic—a basic witch, if you will. Now I can start getting out my good clothes (sweaters! sweaters with skulls on! yes that’s plural!) and I can go shopping for “Halloween decorations” that are really just my normal decorations.

Eeeeee. ^_^

I am become snek(?)

This term I switched my major from accounting to computer science (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this, and I’ll stop mentioning it as soon as I get over it). The first class I’m taking in the computer science curriculum is called something like “Computer Science Role In Industry,” and by all accounts it was supposed to be an overview of … the role of computer science in industry, because obviously. Right.

3 weeks in, and it’s not that. It’s just learning Python. Which is cool, because I’m learning Python. But it’s also kind of what-the-fuck¬†because words mean things—and that goes double for the names of college courses, since those things are kind of expensive, you know?

I could swear there’s a course later on that’s called something like … “Introduction To Python,” which I had assumed would be on the subject of How To Progrem With Snek, but maybe that’s the one that will explain the role of computer science in industry.

If I stopped expecting things to make sense, I think I’d have an easier time with life in general.

34: I think there’s a rule about this one

Let's be the quiet realization that our time has passed.

I want to do so many things, and it’s slowly occurring to me that I won’t have enough time. Lives are so short, especially when the minutes are squandered, or bled away from you so slowly you almost don’t notice.

It’s still so strange to me how quickly time passes. I was 28, like, last week. And now? Now I keep thinking I’m going to wake up 50 tomorrow.

Notice: My yearly birthday angst post is severely lacking in angst this year (yay?).¬†Also I’m switching up the format, because bulleted-lists look stupid when they go on forever and ever.

We’re still in our little house, one block away from my previous living space. We have a car that I’m going to learn how to drive (it’s a manual), and I’ll have my license next spring (I know how to drive, I just never got a license). No cat, because the rental agreement says no pets, but we’ll get one someday when we’re in a more permanent living space.

Over the past year I fried my hair with too much bleach too many times, so I got a pixie cut. Growing out a pixie cut is already easier than growing out the underbits of an undercut,* and I’m pretty okay with it so far. At least it looks like it was on purpose, which is sort of the minimum for me to feel confident with any haircut. I’m planning to lay off the bleach a lot, do as little damage as possible, and try to grow it out to shoulder-length again,** since that always looked good on me. I’m also going to try to keep it ashy platinum, so we’ll see if any of that can happen at the same time (probably not but I’m looking forward to the challenge).

New music I found last year: Razed In Black (80’s-style goth from the 90’s), Scandroid (new retro waive/futuristic concept album from Klayton of Celldweller, also the remix album is good). Continuing to buy new albums from Aesthetic Perfection, Blue Stahli, Celldweller, Faderhead, and Marilyn Manson (shut up I don’t care I fell in love with the man when I was 14 and I still love him beyond all wisdom). I think all of them have new albums coming out this fall, which isn’t the best timing for my bank balance since they’re all together like that, but whatever, I’ll take what I can get.

Re: Online school, I sucked and failed and eventually clawed my way back up (sort of). I could make a lot of excuses for that, but since I’m mostly talking to myself here, I’ll skip it. (The Cliffs Notes version is I failed the first 3 courses I took, so I retook them but was limited to taking one at at time since I’d failed. By the time I’d finished retaking everything, my account was reviewed and based on my GPA I got kicked of financial aid. I’m paying for classes and books out of pocket for the next 2 terms, then I can apply for aid again as long as my GPA stays on track and I keep passing everything.) Also when I attended a webinar about career paths for accounting majors, I found out I didn’t actually need a degree to do the things I’d been planning on doing (bookkeeping, tax prep)—and apparently an associates in accounting is basically worthless, I’d need at least a bachelors to get anywhere.

My response? Fuck. That. I switched my program to IT starting this term (this term started 2 days ago). I’m now pursuing a bachelors in computer science with a software engineering focus. It will take longer, but I’m going to learn programming and one of the classes is about app development, and it’s already far more interesting than anything I learned in my (limited amount of) accounting classes.

Things to do this year:

  • Figure out where we’re going next, location-wise.
    • Travel to at least 1 place out of state, preferably a road trip.
  • Pass all courses I take in online school so I can get back on financial aid.
  • Find a consistent way to make money, even if it’s just a series of short-term jobs.
  • More tattoos (once I get more money).
  • Don’t fry all my hair off again and lose all progress. ;P
  • Write write write.

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*Cutting the longer pieces but letting the short pieces grow is irritating when the “short pieces” are 3/4 of your hair and none of it blends with the upper layer at all.
**This has nothing very little to do with Atomic Blonde, which was very good.