I’m struggling

I did not learn snek.* I do not understand snek. I understand snek so poorly that I can’t even explain what I don’t understand, which makes it impossible to get help from a tutor because they have to know what I need help with to give me any kind of help. I am learning snek through 2 free websites better than I’m learning it through the class I’m taking, but I’m not learning it fast enough to pass this term.

That’s a problem, mostly for financial aid reasons, which I need because I don’t have enough money laying around to pay for college classes on my own—whatever isn’t covered by financial aid has been going on my credit cards, which is terrifying** and I want to avoid accumulating debt as much as I can, except student loan debt (I guess?) because that’s just the reality I’m living in (goddamn it).

I’m taking next term off to think about what exactly the fuck I think I’m doing, and refocus, and try to go through a couple of free programming introduction things to make sure I am capable of learning the material. It’s probably stupid to say this, but I’ve never found something that I can’t do if I really try, so this is new to me.

My savings is getting a lower than I like to see it, so I need to find a job, at least over the holidays (ohgodretail). That means I can’t get facial piercings*** or dye my hair a color I like, which seem like immature concerns (because they are immature concerns) but I feel more like myself when there’s some metal in my face and my hair is a cartoon color, so that’s where I’m at. I’d also be lying if I didn’t admit that part of my switch from accounting to computer science is because accounting is typically a very conservative industry and computer science is typically … not that. I can handle covering my tattoos for bullshit job interviews to get by while I’m in school, but I don’t want that to be my life within my chosen career, you know?

I’ve been hustling to pick up freelance assignments (on Upwork—yes, I know) and I got one to ghostwrite some blog posts for a company through a marketing agency. Hopefully this is a good sign that I can write and am employable. Even if I have to work 60 hours a week for a pay rate that comes out at less than minimum wage, I would like proof that trying leads to results. I’m also applying for all kinds of work from home customer service things, anything that doesn’t cost money to start/have unpaid training**** (which cuts out a lot of supposed opportunities, but I’m pretty okay with that). I should have a decent office space set up in the house by the end of next month, hopefully I’ll be able to put it to good use.

I have been stressed, and I have been slacking. I keep feeling like I could write, but then I have something else taking up my attention, and I don’t get around to it, or get distracted, or feel guilty(?!) when I start writing so I stop. It isn’t like it used to be. Not that it always used to be fun, but at least even when it was hard, it was still satisfying. I might try NaNoWriMo again this year.

*By which I mean “Python” (previously discussed here).
**My entire family has had a bad history with credit cards, so I didn’t even get my first credit card until I was … 31? I think? Yeah, just checked, I was 31.
***I’ve been wanting a vertical medusa lately (is that a thing?), and more tattoos. Lack of funds has kept me from following through.
****Whenever companies advertise that they have “paid training” I read it like advertising that the building has breathable air inside. My understanding (not a lawyer) is that if the training is 1) required by the company/mandatory, and 2) specific to that company (as opposed to a degree or certification), and 3) they dictate the schedule, it has to be paid.*****
*****It wouldn’t surprise me if this was completely wrong, because labor laws in the States are a gooddamn joke, but it’s been my experience that when a company tells me what to do with my time, they pay me for that time.