32: “And where the fuck is my script again?”

pbf - birthday

This is what I think of on my birthday. Every goddamn time.

Notation one: I’m beginning to think my perception of time is severely damaged, unless it’s normal to have an entire year pass and be basically exactly where you were the previous year with nothing notable to show for it.

Is this what adulting feels like? Because this is not something I’m into.

Notation two: Current blog design is still working for me, it can stay for a while longer.

!!! WARNING: YEARLY BIRTHDAY ANGST POST AHEAD !!!

The list of things I wanted to have accomplished by this year (written last year):

  • Elsewhere/new living space. <— didn’t do that.
  • Different job. <— didn’t do that either.
  • Writing consistently. <— not even close.
  • EXIT Strategy. <— working on it, but due to the fact that other humans have free will and freedom of action, I may not need as dramatic/far-flung an exit as I once believed necessary.
  • Seekrit Writing Plan. <— working on that too.
  • MOAR tattoos. <— asagi koi.

This past year, I:

  • Maintained blue hair—with several brief ventures into multi-color combinations but still always including blue. Because fuckyes.
  • Kept my job. I’m okay most of the time; I often think about getting a degree or certification in something/anything but most of the time I am okay.
  • Writing. I still feel like this is a core part of who I am. I got my reminder wrist tat touched up. I want to pursue this/I will pursue this.
  • Began to realize that it is not so strange an event when someone is interested in me.
    • Am now slowly circling the idea that I am not fundamentally worthless and unlovable and useless except as a placeholder until the other person finds someone else.
  • Discovered the following music: Conetik, Grendel, Haujobb, Mesh, UnterArt, [x]-Rx.
    • I am extremely into Mesh, it is mopey in all the right ways. Also very recently enamored with Faderhead, which I technically discovered last year but didn’t get into until recently when I began putting all the albums I have from him on repeat for days.

By this time next year, I want to:

  • Be elsewhere (what the hell let’s leave it on the list it’s practically tradition at this point).
  • Get a different job. |OR| Make significant progress towards a certificate/degree that will qualify me for a different job.
  • Figure out this writing thing (because writing).
  • Get moar tattoos (always moar tattoos).
  • Develop a sense of personal style (because adulting?).
  • Stop being so fucked-up all the time and accept that sometimes good things can happen to me and that’s okay, it’s not some kind of cosmic mistake that will have to balance itself out later a thousandfold.
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