(Still) Not Dead Yet: A Mostly Comprehensive Catch-Up

Warning: Long post ahead.

It’s personal things, not writing things. If you’re not into that, it’s fine, we can still be internet friends. Some words about writing or failing at writing or some sort of progress-tracking type thing will be up in future. Or something about tattoos. Depends on what happens next. :D

You have been warned. Proceed at your own etc.

August 2014 – April 2015 | Work Drama

Corporate stopped hiring for the new department (red flag). The department’s supervisor couldn’t get access to systems and processes we didn’t have that the internal sites (as opposed to vendor sites—us!) have and there was no good reason given as to why (also a red flag). Corporate started putting people on “aggressive improvement plans”—read: you have 5 days to improve a stat that is largely out of your control, fail and you get written up, on the third write-up you’re out the door (yet another red flag).

I know what it looks like when a department is dying because I’ve been through this before. It actually got better before it got much worse. They didn’t reduce the hours of op to one schedule or fuck with our heads constantly.

The official announcement that the department was transitioning to a new line of business happened about two weeks before the training schedule they announced at the same time was going to begin. Originally they said the entire site was going to be one line of business, then a few days later they announced our department was going to be going back to the department they had transitioned us out of the previous year. Yaaay for indecision and high-level cloak-and-dagger corporate bullshittery.

Around the same time those announcements were coming down, one of the team leads quit with no reliable information as to why. The official story is she got a better-paying job but there’s always more to it than that and I know there’re a lot of mindfucks constantly running in the background at that place.

Right now half the department is launching the new (old) line of business while the remainder is closing out the current line of business. This means we’re super-understaffed/bare minimum number of agents taking calls, which makes it look like we have too much floor support (my job) because they need a minimum number of people scheduled if they want coverage for six working days unless they schedule mandatory overtime for fewer people. Which they didn’t do for reasons?

The last half of us go to training classes next week and then this part of it will be done.

September 2014 – March 2015 | Roommate Drama

Had a roommate. Friend got kicked out of his place and I said he could stay with me for like a month or whatever until he found a new place. He moved into my far-too-small-for-two-people living space in September, with the understanding he would be leaving by the end of October at the latest. Cut forward to mid-February when I tell him to get his shit together and get the fuck out by the end of March.

What did I learn?

  • My living space is too small for two people, especially once it gets to the point where those two people don’t really like each other very much anymore.
  • I need space. I am an introvert. If I don’t have a certain amount of silence and solitude, I start going just a little bit completely fucking crazy. Headphones all the time isn’t enough.
  • My tendency to be kind gets me fucked over. Repeatedly. But I’ve resigned myself to that because I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know what else to be.

October 2014 – December 2014, April 2015 | Immune System Drama

Got sick. Really, really sick. Turned into some strain of bronchitis that just. would not. die. Got prescribed a Z-pack, didn’t respond to the Z-pack, got prescribed a re-up on the Z-pack, didn’t respond to the second Z-pack, got prescribed a $100+ antibiotic (which my insurance covered, thank fuck) and that finally killed it. Sort of. Mostly. Still have a cough that comes back occasionally to scare the shit out of me but it hasn’t turned into bronchitis again.

Most recently, I was attempting to sing along (badly) with some electro-industrial type shit and realized I did not have full lung capacity. Like, couldn’t get through a full lyric. Worried about this for about 3 days before going to urgent care when it did not improve on its own because what seems like a lot of people at work have been developing pneumonia (which I am terrified of) and tl;dr I apparently have asthma. My immune system wants me dead, I’m now convinced of it.

February 2015 – Present | Interpersonal Drama I Just Want One Good Goddamn Thing

Clarification Note: I juggle multiple entanglements of varying seriousness because of my vast need for near-constant emotional support. Everyone involved knows that I do this and none have issues with it; anyone involved not fully consenting would be a dealbreaker for me.

Entanglement I (LDR)
I contacted a writer friend I hadn’t spoken to about anything of substance for years, a random email flailing to apologize about how things had worked out. In response I was reminded that other people are autonomous beings and have lives that are going on even when you’re not involved in those lives to any extent. Everything that had been an obstacle keeping us apart is no longer an obstacle (in the worst possible way and I hate how it happened, all of it) and we are in the process of sort of fumbling around figuring out what we are to each other now. My hope is we can try to make this work, at least for a little while, even though my ability to recognize patterns tells me it will never happen because we’ve known each other for over 10 years and there’s always something in the way.

Entanglement II (IRL)
Either at the very end of February or the beginning of March I started having real conversations with someone I had been speaking to occasionally at work. We traded something like 200 text messages the first night we started talking and connected immediately in a way that I have never experienced with another person before; it was so fast and deep that it felt like talking to myself (bonus points for the Venn diagram that is our kinks overlapping and contrasting exactly perfectly). It’s not going to last because the few things that don’t match up are irreconcilable but right now this is the most healthy and healing relationship I’ve ever been a part of and wanting to be able to keep him longer than I can would be unforgivably selfish.

Entanglement III (IRL to LDR)
An ongoing casual thing we’ve been attempting to maintain since the person moved out of state over a year ago. It’s hard to connect online and we’re both busy with Real Life™ blah blah etc. Most recent update was he wants to move back to Montana. Having him closer would make things easier. I’ve been spoiled by actual real human contact lately, it’s made me less accepting of the reality of distance.

April 2015 | we now arrive at the present, already in progress…