Today was a napping-all-day kind of day because last night I tried to sleep without chemical assistance.
Last night I tried to sleep without chemical assistance because I had today off from work and had come to the (seemingly logical) conclusion that it wouldn’t really matter how late I slept in or how utterly mindfucked a night of broken sleep was sure to leave me.
(I have this deep fear of medication and of becoming dependent on chemicals I must regulate from the outside* so sometimes I like to check and see whether whatever new thing I’ve introduced into my system is something I can do without by force of will or simply forgetting I “need” it. This is why I tend not to seek diagnosis and/or treatment for anything until I think there’s some danger I might die otherwise.**)
Point being, last night was the first night in a long series of nights in which I did not take melatonin—which is apparently a prescription med in the UK but here in the States it’s considered “a nutritional supplement” and is therefore OTC.***
- stared at the ceiling for hours, unable to sleep;
- woke every so often, aware of having slept but unable to claw my way back to Sleep and stared at the ceiling some more;
- had that thing happen where you’re asleep but also simultaneously aware of lying awake while the dreamthings start forcing their way in through the cracks in your consciousness (it’s not lucid dreaming because you’re not dreaming and it’s not really being awake because even though you are not-asleep things are ever so disconcertingly not-real).
The overall lesson, I think, being that I need to get better at remembering to take pills.
[ETA: Aaand here I am at Officially Past My Bedtime If I Want 8 Hours Of Sleep Before Work and I’m all jittery and too anxious to sleep because I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate this place, ohgodwhy, etc, etc, blah, etc. (either that or it’s the too-much caffeine I’ve been mainlining all day in between naps (I swear it made sense at the time)).]
*At least part of this is due to a poor ability to keep habits; I can’t even remember to take a multivitamin half the time and that’s something I’ve been attempting to remember to do for at least the past 10 years.
**DON’T DO THIS. I am a horrible example of… most things, really.
***I’ve no idea what to make of that (philosophically, politically, et al.), other than to thank the Universe for whatever small mercies it sees fit to give.