Forcing a Distraction, Part II

Back when I was a SRS WRTR I used to drink a lot of coffee,* which actually may have had something to do with my mood swings. (The short version is that caffeine causes the body to produce adrenaline and also dopamine. Those things must eventually bottom out/re-up, which would explain why I’d feel so fucking spectacular most of the day—and then abruptly everything was hell and I’d cry myself to sleep. SCIENCE.) Moving on.

It is amazing how fast all the old habits come back, comforting/familiar like a gentle hand wrapped around my throat.

Drinking coffee at midnight is a very SRS WRTR thing to do.** This is not a terrible idea at all until you remember you’re supposed to be pretending to be a grown up and part of that facade is maintaining a semi-consistent sleep schedule. Because of responsibilities obligations like working non-vampire hours.

I’ve been ignoring one mostly-blank document since I posted Part I. (Obviously my subconscious knew to open up a doc and title it purely as a means to an end because I’ve been super-productive with a whole fuckton of things, just not the one thing I decided I was supposed to be working on. (Yay, giving up on being better and just succumbing to my known failings instead?))

Another thing that came right back is using music to distract the conscious mind/block out the world/open an auditory k-hole into the deeper places of not-quite-thinking so the words come easier. I don’t know if they’re good words. Statistically they’re probably not. But I’m writing them, which was the point.

I used to do this all the time.

The chemically-cultivated insomnia and the music feeding the writing in the nighttime and adoring how still everything gets when it’s so far past late that it feels like you’re the only one left awake in the whole entire inkdark world.

And then I stopped.

And I can’t remember why.

I’ve missed it.


*It was likely where I derived the majority of the calories I consumed (that’s healthy) and also about the only time I consumed dairy (also healthy).
**I’d be smoking right now too (vanilla cloves), just for the giddy cliche of it but I’m too lazy to walk to the smoke shop and buy cigarettes. Also it’s like 3ayem and everything is closed here.