I thought I was slipping into another depressive episode* and I was like But! But I just got out of one of these! Not fucking fair! until I realized that what is actually going on is that I am sad because someone I care about is moving away.
I am having an actual emotional response to a situation I’m experiencing, instead of shutting down. (Holy reasonable reaction, Batman?)
It’s kind of interesting to feel sad and raw instead of just being numb all the time and trying to remember how to fake the right emotions for the benefit of everyone around me. It feels… normal? [Edit: What do I know about normal? But this does feel strangely (comfortingly?) human.]
The upshot is that I now have an invitation the fuck out of here. And I intend to take it.
PROJECT ESCAPE HATCH [REVISED AND ALSO NOW ALL ROMAN NUMERAL-Y]
Phase I: Get a job
Phase II: Work ALL THE OVERTIME
Phase III: When my department closes, get into the department with commissions
Phase IV: Work ALL THE OVERTIME and sell ALL THE THINGS
Phase V: Save money
Phase VI: Get office skills via a quickie online degree/certifications/whatever
Phase VII: Fucking bail on this place***
*Full disclosure: I prefer the phrase “depressive episodes” instead of “I have depression” because I’ve never been diagnosed/prescribed pills/tried to kill myself/etc. I either cope well enough that I feel like I can manage it or else I’m in too deep to be bothered with making an effort to change anything. Ironic?**
**I’m fairly sure I’m misusing irony here.
***Yes, technically my plan is “move across the country to be closer to another person.” Yes, I’ve done this before. Yes, it ended horribly. The difference is that this time I think I can figure out if we’re terrible together and then successfully get out without it taking six fucking years. (I’m not bitter about that. At all. Yes I am.)